


On our way to Miracle

by wangsjiaer



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys Kissing, Exes, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2021-01-23 01:13:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21311683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wangsjiaer/pseuds/wangsjiaer
Summary: What's more nostalgic than going back to where it all begun? Despite being broken up for years, Mark and Jackson still work together. When they have to film a VLive at their old pre-debut neighborhood, feelings they didn't know where there come flooding back again.Or, Mark and Jackson go for kimbap and fall in love again.
Relationships: Mark Tuan/Jackson Wang
Comments: 11
Kudos: 104





	1. Remember you

**Author's Note:**

> hiiiiiii. so this is my baby, my firstborn fic. it all started when me and @saltzmans were watching miracle era vlives and stumbled upon one that had the boys revisiting meaningful places from their period as trainees. mark and jackson went to a restaurant, and i was like wouldn't it be super sad if they were exes and had to go there where they first kissed and broke up. i love pain. anyway i'm gonna leave the link below, highly reccommend you watch it first so you feel extra emo. their part starts around the 6min mark. have fun! or not ... we'll see
> 
> https://www.vlive.tv/video/102203?channelCode=ECDF

It had been a long time since they were here like this. Mark fidgeted a little in his seat, wishing for the millionth time that he could read Jackson's mind right now. They were sitting at their old table, and it all felt too familiar for comfort. The food was steaming hot in front of them but neither touched a thing. If he had to be honest, choosing this place to do a VLive had been both easy and hard. The most precious memories he had of predebut and debut days had been right here, with Jackson. But coming back also meant remembering the fact that for years they had not been together, in that way. Were they even proper exes? Mark didn't know. 

\- They should be here any minute now - Jackson said, checking his phone. They were waiting for the other members to arrive before they started filming. Mark was grateful for the little window of adjustment. 

\- Do you... have any idea of what you wanna talk about? - he asked softly, just to make conversation. He knew that Jackson didn't have any problem talking to him while the cameras were on. It was when they were off that the problems usually started.

\- Why? - Jackson asked looking down - You nervous? - Mark faked a laugh.

\- Maybe you should be nervous. I could tell everyone about the amount of times you made me pay for food when you forgot- He said, motioning air quotes -your wallet. - 

\- You know I only said that so I could get you to eat with me - Jackson said with a little smile. 

Mark felt something stirring inside his chest. Suddenly he was attacked by memories of being at that same table with Jackson, years and years ago, ass o'clock in the morning, tired, hungry, sleepy, but always happy. They came late after rehearsal so the place would be empty of customers (and other members) and they could do clingy things like hold hands and feed each other. There were some kisses too. He remembered those. 

\- I would've eaten with you regardless - He said, looking away. This place was making a mess of him, and the conversation with Jackson was creating a knot in his throat that he didn't appreciate. Jackson just chuckled quietly.

\- We were here more than at home sometimes - It was true. They came every day without fail and stayed far longer than necessary. It was an oasis, a little haven in between their hectic trainee lives. A blessing.

They went quiet after that. Mark didn't really know how to navigate the feeling of being back here with Jackson again. He could feel how their thighs pressed together under the table and the contact burned at his skin. 

They had just been a couple of kids, really. Foreign kids, with a dream. Who found solace in each other, took care of each other, and maybe fell in love in the process. Or at least Mark did. He could never be sure with Jackson, but he wanted to believe he had, too. Actually, he was choosing to believe that everything that had happened in the four walls of that restaurant had been equally special for the both of them. 

He was lost in thought when he felt that Jackson's hand dropped tentatively to his knee, squeezing a little before staying there. Although he was used to being physically close to Jackson in front of the cameras, moments like this that belonged only to the two of them were rare lately. Mark turned to Jackson in surprise, half expecting a smile, or a mocking gesture, to be there in his face. Instead he was confronted with a sad, apologetic look that he hadn't seen in a very long time. Not since...

\- Being here, is kinda making me go a little nuts - Jackson admitted, interrupting his thoughts again. He was trying to smile. Mark appreciated that - I keep thinking about the last time we were here, and what I said and ... -

\- Jackson, it's okay, really - And it was at least, a half truth. Although it had taken Mark years to be able to be okay with not being with Jackson, the last two or three hadn't been so bad. Mark didn't even remember the last time he cried about him, and he considered that a win. 

\- I know it's silly, but I just wanna tell you that I was really happy here - The younger started, nodding with a solemn expression - With you. I mean, also with, like, the others... I guess - He was stuttering. Mark was trying real hard not to be affected - But especially with you - Jackson ended with a sigh, like he regretted the way it had came out.

He couldn't contain the warm smile that crept up on face. So it wasn't just him. They really had been happy there. Mark didn't imagine it. With that sudden confirmation, he got brave enough to put his hand on top of Jackson's, reciprocating the affection. Mark had worked really hard not to stay bitter and distant after Jackson broke his heart, never holding it against the younger. It had taken everything in him to start looking at Jackson as a member and a friend, not the love of his life. Which he still kind of was, and would probably always be. Mark felt a bit sick at the realization.

\- Remember when we almost got banned from here - Jackson said with a smile on his face, hand moving to intertwine his fingers with Mark's, absentmindedly, like it was the most natural thing in the world. The gesture made his heart skip several beats - Auntie was so mad, it was hilarious. - He said, amused.

\- I told you the bathrooms didn't have a lock - Mark laughed, his mind foggy with the memories of that day, so long ago.

\- Worth it. - Jackson said, with a grin.

It really had been. They were caught making out in the tiny bathroom at 4 in the morning by a very annoyed Auntie. They had been a steamy mess of limbs and pulled up shirts when she found them, all tangled up in each other. They had laughed about it on the way back to the dorm, stopping every once in while to sneak in a kiss. It had all felt so simple then. 

\- I see them, they're here - He said looking at the door. Yugyeom and Jaebum were approaching the little restaurant with the film crew. Jackson's hand slipped away from his, leaving him grasping at his own knee. He fisted his hand and cleared his throat. He closed his eyes for a minute, and with a smile on his face he welcomed the members. This was gonna be harder than he thought, but he would get through it.


	2. Let me

Their first kiss happened late on a Tuesday, some would say a Wednesday morning. 

He remembered because there was a special at the restaurant that day and Jackson loved it, he would literally talk about it all week. They left the JYP building fresh out of practice, starving and exhausted, and got to the restaurant a little over 2am. 

\- Do you think they still have some? It's super late- Jackson asked, chewing at his lip, worried about the Tuesday special. His little frown made Mark's heart flutter in his chest. He was so cute without even knowing. 

\- I'm sure Auntie saved some for you - Mark said - You're her favorite, you know - With a little sting of jealousy, just because Jackson always got the bigger portions and a tighter hug whenever they came. He couldn't blame her though. It was Jackson, after all. 

\- Me? She treats you like her son that came back from war - Jackson laughed, imitating the way Auntie said his name in a cooing way. 

\- Shut up, you know you're everyone's favorite - He said, sitting down at their usual table. It was second nature to him already, he slid comfortably in his regular spot and Jackson followed, ever so closely. 

\- But am I your favorite? - He asked, half joking, looking at Mark with those big puppy eyes. Mark had to stop himself from rolling his own eyes really hard. Of course he was, and he knew it. He always had.

\- I don't buy food for the rest of the members, do I? - He said, trying to not show the little uneasy feeling in his stomach. There wasn't much more he could say anyway. A confession on a Tuesday night? He wasn't that dumb. 

\- I guess - Jackson said, a little disappointed. Was he pouting? He really was. What a brat, Mark thought. The biggest brat there ever was. And he had Mark wrapped around his little finger. 

\- Fine, you're my favorite - He said quickly, looking away, his cheeks already flushing a deep red. Traitors.

\- Wow, I love it when you talk dirty to me, Mark - Jackson said coming close to him and putting one arm around his shoulders. Mark jumped at the sudden lack of personal space and tried to pull away, unsuccessfully. He was weak, he couldn't help it. 

\- Fuck you - He said, but didn't move. The beating of his heart was going 100 miles an hour, he was almost sure everyone in the restaurant could hear it. 

\- I just might - Jackson giggled into his ear - You look so cute when you blush - Ever the asshole, Mark thought. 

\- Stop it - he said laughing, looking at the ground. He felt a warm and fuzzy feeling in the pit of his stomach that he tried to control. Being close like this, with Jackson, always taunting the line where joking ended and flirting began, made everything worth it. Being in Korea, working his ass off, missing his parents. If it meant he could be with Jackson a little longer, he would take all of it. 

After they said hi to Auntie and found out there was still some of the special left, Jackson was beaming, and his good mood only meant that he was even more inclined to tease Mark in every way he could. It was little things, like the way he licked his lips after Mark fed him a piece of his food, making Mark roll his eyes. Or how his hand would slip down to Mark's knee, and stroke it absentmindedly, only removing it when Mark slapped it away. The worst was when he moaned softly after taking a bite, making Mark's head go empty of thoughts. Mark tried to laugh at everything, struggling to keep his mind steady. 

\- You know - Jackson said after a while, when they were done eating, and they were just enjoying each other's company in comfortable silence. - The best part of my day is when I'm right here with you. - He was smiling contently, looking at Mark with brown eyes that shone with sincerity - I know I can be a little too much sometimes, but it's only because I'm trying to get your attention... - He sounded apologetic. 

\- You always have it - Mark said, in a low voice. He hated how fucking whipped he was for the younger boy. To the point where looking him in the eye at that very moment felt like a very difficult task. He could barely hold his gaze for a few seconds before lowering his head. 

\- What if I want more of it? - Jackson said, eyes pinned on Mark. 

\- More? - Mark asked, unable to process his thoughts. He knew there must be a dumbfounded look on his face, but he couldn't help it. - More... how? - his voice was barely a whisper. Should they even be having this conversation here? What kind of conversation were they having anyway?

\- What if... - He felt the warmth of a hand on his, a thumb tracing circles on the back of it. His eyes widened in surprise at how intimate the touch felt. Not like the previous teasing, but delicate, and soft. Loving even? - ... I want you all to myself - 

\- But I'm already always... - Mark tried to protest. 

\- Not - Jackson interrupted, quickly - Like that - Jackson smiled, shyly. The world around them was slowly fading away from Mark. All he could see and hear was Jackson, and the loud thump of his heart in his ears. 

\- Like how, then? - He could feel himself gaining a bit more confidence. Maybe a confession on a Tuesday wasn't such a bad idea anyway. 

\- You're really gonna make me say it, aren't you? - Jackson replied, the widest smile plastered on his face.

\- Say what? - Mark asked, innocently. He could feel himself smiling too. How dumb must they look, both of them grinning like idiots staring into each other's eyes. Mark was disgusted, but beaming at the same time. 

\- That I like you - Jackson said - You little shit - adding. 

\- Are you confessing or insulting me? - Mark laughed. 

\- Both - Jackson said, grinning - Definitely both - They gripped each other's hands tighter.

\- I take offence by that - Mark said, faking indignation - How am I supposed to know you're serious? - Even though he was joking, the apprehension was real. Jackson was close to a lot of people in his life, it was very easy to doubt.

\- I am serious! - He said almost angrily, coming closer to the point where they were breathing the same air. Mark was getting a little dizzy just by inhaling the notes of Jackson's scent. The space between them felt too empty, and Mark wanted nothing more than to kill the remaining distance. - I like you, like you. So much that I wanna kiss you - The last word was spoken like a question.

\- Well - He said, amused - I've wanted to kiss you since I met you, so don't go around feeling special - He couldn't contain the bright smile on his face. What started out as a normal day was ending in what felt like a dream. 

\- Then why didn't you say so, oh my god - Jackson said, faking anger - We could've been making out all this time? - He huffed - You owe me like, a thousand kisses. At least - He pointed a finger at Mark's chest. He laughed a little in delight. Jackson replaced his frown with a soft smile, making Mark's heart beat faster. 

\- So? Are you gonna? - Mark asked. 

\- Am I gonna what? - Jackson replied, playing aloof. 

\- Kiss me, you idiot - He laughed. 

\- Are you asking me or insulting me? - 

\- Both - Mark sighed, eyes closing, leaning in - Definitly both. -


	3. Think about it

They left the film crew at the playground with the rest of the members. The filming had gone nicely, and Mark was proud of himself. He thought he kept the lingering looks to the minimum and didn't stand too close to Jackson. That in itself was an accomplishment.

They were staring at each other now, a little awkwardly. 

\- Wanna walk with me? - he asked, arching an eyebrow. It was a peace offering of sorts, a demonstration that whatever went down all those years ago at the restaurant was history. They were here, now, and they were friends, -ish.

\- Sure - Jackson said almost immediately, brown eyes shiny above his smile.

They walked in silence for a while, swaying against each other and laughing under their breaths when they collided. It was nice, just being there alone, in their old neighborhood. Closure, Mark thought. Maybe this is what it took to finally let go of the past. 

Subconsciously their feet took them back to the restaurant, but neither made a move to go in. That was it, Mark thought. He was getting ready to say goodbye and stop pretending that the last few hours hadn't affected him at all. He was tired, and a little sad.

\- Thank you for coming here with me today - Jackson said finally, in a low voice, face contorted in a frown - And I... -

\- Jackson - Mark said in a warning voice. 

\- I know, I know - The hurt in his voice was palpable - We don't talk about this. We just pretend like it didn't happen and go on with our lives. Right? - He was looking at his feet. 

\- I don't think you're the one in the position to be angry - Mark said, amused. - You're the one who... - He tried. He couldn't say it. 

\- Who left you - Jackson completed. 

\- Fine, yes - Mark replied. He faintly remembered that day like he was a spectator, not part of the scene, like he was looking into a painting. - Can you stop with this bullshit victim show already? I forgave you a long time ago - His voice was pitchy and came out shakier than he wanted to.

\- It's not a show... - Jackson whispered, too low for Mark to hear. 

\- What? - Mark said, leaning closer.

\- I said it's not a fucking show, Mark - He looked up and their eyes met for the very first time since the conversation started. Jackson closed the remaining distance between them with a few steps.

\- Then what is it? - Mark asked, nervous about their lack of personal space.

\- Regret - His eyes were piercing into Mark's. He fought not to look away, but he was caving under the intensity. - The regret I feel every day of my life for pushing you away. -

Mark was shaking a little. They hadn't discussed what happened between them in years, everything was tightly locked up in a little box inside his brain and it stayed there, unopened until now. 

\- Why are you telling me this now? What will change? - Nothing, Mark thought. The circumstances were the same, if not worse, as when they ended things. There was no turning back time, no making it better. Things just weren't the same anymore.

\- It's just that ... seeing you here, being with you in there... - Jackson started.

\- What? - His voice was getting steadier but he was shaking with anger. He wanted to yell at Jackson to grow the fuck up. To let them go. To bury the past like he had, with every fiber of his being, in order to go on living. Jackson was chasing a ghost, the phantom of a dead relationship, killed by his own hand. 

\- It reminded me of why I fell for you - The sincerity radiated from his voice. Mark hated him. Hated that he could feel himself starting to get hopeful, to probably be disappointed later - You always fed me first even if you were starving. You held me when I cried because I missed home so much. You laughed at the most ridiculous, dumb things I said - Jackson was smiling now, his eyes bright with emotion - Sometimes I just acted stupid for you to laugh at me. Because I loved to see you smile - his voice went lower - I still do - He finished, with a sigh. His eyes were pleading, almost desperate, a hand coming up to touch Mark's cheek but stopping midway, and falling to his side.

Mark felt blood going straight to his face and suddenly he was too hot. He wanted to pull away but it was as if gravity was holding him in place, like there was a force keeping him there next to Jackson, and he couldn't fight it. Not right now. 

\- Don't say that - He whispered. 

\- Then let me say this - He moved again. They were so close that they were breathing the same air. Mark felt the faint echo of a panic attack rising up his spine - You're the love of ... - 

\- Jackson, please! - He almost screamed in the other's face, hands coming to his ears to block the end of that sentence. - You have no right to say that shit to me just because you felt nostalgic and ... -

\- It's not just that, I promise. - He looked serious. Mark almost believed him - I know I'm late, and I know I don't deserve you anymore. I know I fucked up with you back then, and I hate myself for that. - There was an edge to his voice, that saddened him. This was everything Mark had wanted to hear for so long, but suddenly the words felt empty. Maybe Jackson was right, he was too late. 

Mark moved back a few steps. He had to look away, he couldn't bear the look on Jackson's face. This had all gone to shit so quickly. His eyes begun to sting and all he wanted was to be held by Jackson and weep, sob for all the years he had missed him and for all the hurt and loneliness he had felt. All the pining, all the jealousy. He wanted Jackson to erase it, to kiss every ounce of pain away until there was nothing but a blank slate. For the both of them to start again. 

The tears started running before he could notice them. They felt warm on his face. He didn't feel like wiping them away so he just let them flow. Slowly a hand came up to meet his. The touch was gentle, barely there.

\- I'm always gonna be sorry I broke your heart - Jackson's voice was raspy - But I'll be even more sorry if I don't tell you this now. -

\- Tell me what, exactly? - He wouldn't dare, Mark thought. He couldn't. 

\- I never stopped loving you, Mark. Fuck everything I said back then and fuck everything you could say to me now. - His hold on Mark's hand tightened - You're right, I was nostalgic. But I don't wanna be thinking of our past, when we could maybe have a future together. You and me. Like it was meant to be. - 

Hope, Mark thought. Jackson was feeling it too. 

The older cried in silence. There was a loud thump in his ears, that was probably just the beat of his heart. He was dizzy with love, anger, confusion. He couldn't really put into words how scared he was that Jackson actually meant what he was saying, because the consequences of that, of actually being together again and being happy, was far more than he could ever allow himself to fantasize with. It was all Jackson's fault, that cocky little shit whispering sweet nothings in his ear as if he was a school girl. 

\- I hate you - He breathed, after a while. He felt Jackson's high-pitched laugh break the silence that followed. It was as if as a curtain had been lifted and the sound felt like music to his ears. He couldn't help the small smile that crept on the corners of his mouth. - Yeah, fucking hilarious. - But he was laughing now too, as he felt the tears on his face starting to dry. - You're such an asshole, Jackson Wang - He pushed him a little with his free hand. The younger took the opportunity to grab at his wrist and pulled him closer, gently. Their laughs died down. 

\- If you hate me, tell me to leave. And I'll go, I swear. We'll pretend like this never happened, and I'll... never bother you again - He cleared his throat like he couldn't even say it. 

He was giving Mark an out. He should take it, he knew that. There was no place for a relationship in their hectic lives, which was the reason Jackson gave him when he told him they couldn't see each other anymore, not like that. And instead of fighting for him, Mark had accepted it. He had allowed Jackson to walk away from him. Maybe tonight was a chance to change that. To start again. 

\- And what if I don't - Mark whispered. Stupid fucking hope. It had been building up in him, and he couldn't push it away anymore.

\- Then... - Jackson pulled him ever closer, their faces inches from each other. Mark was staring into the eyes that he dreamt about every night. His gaze fell to Jackson's lips, would they still taste and feel like they did back then? He was dying to find out. 

\- Jackson! - Mark jumped and pulled away as if burned by fire - Mark? - Jinyoung asked.


	4. 끝

Their last kiss was agonizing. 

They've been avoiding each other for a few days, having run out of words to say from their last fight. Their schedules were getting busier, Jackson's especially, and Mark was feeling sad and neglected. It had started over something petty, he couldn't even remember why, but it had turned into a full-on argument and he had ended up crying angry tears in his room, stopping himself from sobbing so he wouldn't be heard. 

Jackson didn't come to him that night to fix things. He didn't come at all, not even to keep arguing. Which was already strange, because Jackson loved to have the final word, and Mark would always let him win. He spent hours awake, waiting for him. Convincing himself that Jackson would show up any minute and their fight would be over and everything would go back to normal, whatever that was for them. But it never happened. Mark took it as a sign to leave the younger alone to deal with whatever issues he had going on, understanding (or trying to) that he might need a little space. 

As the days passed, though, he grew impatient. There was a special kind of loneliness he felt when he was ignored by Jackson. He could be surrounded by members and staff and still feel his chest ache with solitude. Jackson wouldn't even look at him, and if that didn't hurt enough, he was being extra friendly with other members, right in front of his eyes. It wasn't even jealousy that attacked him then, just plain frustration. Because their closeness was a secret, he couldn't reclaim it in front of everyone. And that was giving him a headache, on top of a heavy heart. 

On the day of their last kiss and eventual break up, they both stayed behind in the practice room with the excuse of perfecting some last minute additions to one of their choreographies. They both knew this couldn't go on anymore and in silent agreement they let the others leave first. Thankfully everyone was too tired to actually question them, or notice how thick the air was around between the two of them. Their usual playful banter was gone entirely. Only a sad, awkward vibe was left. Mark felt a tightness in his chest. 

\- Mark... - Jackson started once they were alone, his voice echoing in the empty practice room. He had the heaviest look on his face Mark had ever seen. Even when he talked about missing China and his parents, he wasn't this upset. He chose to ignore that and pretend nothing was gonna happen, for a little while longer. 

\- Why don't we talk over some food - he interrupted, faking a smile. Nothing had happened yet, there was no reason to panic - I'm buying - he added quickly. 

\- You always do - Jackson was smirking sadly, gathering his things without another word. Mark looked at their reflection in the big mirror before leaving the room. They were both sweaty and tired, and Mark felt as bad as he looked. He wanted to stop time and remain there forever, suspended in that moment where nothing was fixed but nothing was broken yet. Jackson turned off the light suddenly and hurried out the door to avoid being surrounded by darkness. 

They walked in silence, and Mark was replaying every other walk they've ever had in his mind, the really happy ones first, making his stomach turn. Every once in a while he would sneak a glance on Jackson's face. He was still solemn, still affected, but seemed more relaxed out in the open. Mark hoped that whatever Jackson wanted to say back there had been a product of the fatigue of training, and that when they had some food in them and a regular conversation, things would go back to normal. He had a feeling they wouldn't, but he couldn't help be hopeful. 

They turned the corner and the restaurant appeared before them. A landmark of their secret relationship, once their own little private hideout. It looked terrifyingly small now, and just by looking at it, Mark was experiencing faint waves of claustrophobia. What if they didn't go in, what if he took Jackson's hand and asked him to talk about this tomorrow instead and just walked home. Went to the dorms, slept, maybe even kiss goodnight like in the good days. And wake up not feeling this way. What if he apologized, for whatever reason Jackson needed him to, what if he said he was so so sorry, what if...

\- Hey, let's go in. It's getting cold - Jackson was looking at him over his shoulder, a hand on the door. Mark shook his head and followed him, trying to get rid of the burning anxiety in his chest.

He hoped against hope that their table wouldn't be free, so he would have a reason to tell Jackson to leave with him, one that didn't sound like an excuse. He was terrified when he saw their little spot empty and Jackson already heading straight to it, leaving his things on the floor and sitting down. The reality of the situation was just now beginning to dawn on him. He sat next to Jackson, not feeling the slight bite of hunger, and for some reason, shivering cold. It wasn't even that cold outside, he thought. But he was freezing.

He jumped when he felt Jackson's hand on his shoulder.

\- Are you okay? - Jackson asked, with a questioning look. Was that guilt, he saw flashing briefly in Jackson's eyes? He wasn't sure of anything anymore. 

\- I don't know - Mark smiled, wanting to cut the tension a little. A sigh left Jackson's lips as he removed his hand, leaving Mark missing the warmth of his touch. 

\- Neither do I, to be honest - said Jackson, fingers coming up to massage his temples, his eyes closing. - It's been a weird few days - Mark wanted to draw circles on his back, bring him closer, promise him everything was going to be okay. But he didn't. 

\- I've noticed - he said, surprised at how bitter it came out. Jackson was surprised too, because his eyes blinked open and he turned to look at him. They were facing each other now, all the pain and intensity radiating from them making it physically impossible for Mark to take a breath.

\- Then you know what I'm going to say - The sad look in his eyes was making Mark feel a knot in the back of his throat. Of course he knew, but he wasn't ready. He would never be ready, not in a million years. 

\- Jackson ... - he pleaded softly. 

\- We can't do this anymore, Mark - A clean wound, at least. 

\- Oh - Mark said, the only coherent word that could come out of his mouth. He thought he would feel different when this happened. Like the world would stop spinning, or like he had been shot in the chest. But he didn't anticipate the wave of numbness washing over him from the top of his head down to his feet. - Why? - he felt pathetic for asking, but at this point he had nothing to lose. Literally.

\- We're idols, Mark. Our lives don't belong to us anymore - There was a bitterness to his voice. Mark wanted to believe it was a sign he cared. He really did - You and me... there's no way we can keep this up and not end up hating each other, or kicked out of the group for breaching some stupid fucking contract - Jackson sighed again, his hand coming up to his cheek. Mark closed his eyes and leaned to the touch. 

\- I thought we had more time - Mark said, still not wanting to open his eyes. He could feel warm tears slowly work their way down his face, some even falling onto Jackson's hand. He wiped them away with his thumb and leaned in to leave a soft kiss on each of his eyelids. Mark slowly fluttered his eyes open, Jackson's face in front of him looking sadder than his own.

\- There's no one ... - Jackson started, then stopped. Mark could see his own heartbreak staring back at him. He hated seeing Jackson hurting. - I'll never ... - Jackson tried again, but failing. He cleared his throat. Jackson had cried so many times in front of Mark, endless tears that Mark had dried, so much pain he had kissed away. But he knew Jackson was trying to be the strong one, for the both of them. And he loved him even more for it. 

\- I know - Mark whispered. He leaned forward to join their foreheads, one hand on Jackon's chest. Jackson was looking at the ground, but Mark was looking at his features, trying to memorize each one. Every freckle, every eyelash. Mark would miss it all. 

Jackson looked up suddenly, and closed the distance between them, softly joining their lips. It was nothing more than a graze at first. But Mark allowed himself to get greedy one last time, by adding more pressure. Jackson responded by grabbing his neck and slowly sucking at his bottom lip with what felt like devotion. Mark let out a muffled gasp, opening his mouth to welcome Jackson's tongue. They were kissing slowly but intensely, brows frowned and hands fisted, everything they couldn't say being expressed just by breathing into each other's mouth and trying to inhale their pain away.

They broke the kiss after what seemed like forever, both of them struggling to breathe. Mark's chest rose up and down, getting him a little dizzy. He realized he couldn't feel his legs. 

\- I love you - Jackson said, pointing at his chest. He looked like he was about to cry. With one last kiss to his temple, he quickly grabbed his things and left, leaving Mark all alone, paralyzed. He realized he had opened his mouth to respond. To say that he loved him too, and probably always will. 

He sat there for a long, long time. The sky was clear and bright when he finally made it back to the dorms, dragging his feet up the stairs and opening the door. He could hear the other members in the kitchen, and one voice in particular stood out from the rest. Mark went straight to his room and cried, harder than he thought it was possible to cry. He eventually fell asleep, dreaming of soft hands stroking his hair, almost faintly. He could've sworn the trace of Jackson's scent was lingering in the air when he woke up.


	5. Take me to you

Turned out the members that were filming at the park had had the same idea as them and headed to the restaurant. He could feel Jackson move uneasily next to him. They hadn't been doing anything, but why did he feel so guilty? And did Jackson feel this way too? 

\- Hey! You guys done with the VLive? - Jackson asked, a smile in his face, like nothing happened. Nothing did happen, Mark reminded himself. Only a couple of exes confessing to each other in the middle of the street. 

\- Yeah, I was starving and we thought about this place - Youngjae said.

\- We thought you would've been back at the dorms by now, that's why we didn't call you guys- Said Bambam, looking at his phone. 

The three of them walked by the couple and went inside the little Kimbap place without another word. Mark and Jackson looked at each other, smiling awkwardly before following. He didn't know if he wanted to run back home and never talk to Jackson again in his life or get advantage of the situation and live a little. 

They were seated in a much bigger, visible table. The rest of the members were scattered across so there was no way for Mark to sit next to Jackson without making someone move. It was weird enough that they were caught being so close earlier, he wasn't gonna give them any more teasing material, no matter how much they had already accumulated over the years. 

He ended up sitting as far away from Jackson as he could've had, and his heart sunk a little. The minute Jackson's hand had left his earlier, he kept fisting it, the ghost of the touch lingering on his palm. He thought at least some hand holding under the table could be a good progression from earlier, but no such luck. 

Maybe for the best, Mark thought. He needed time to adjust to the reality that his romantic feelings were finally being reciprocated, again. Jackson had looked so sincere and his words had felt so honest, Mark had let that bittersweet hope expand through every part of his body in a matter of seconds. Maybe he had been too forgiving and caved in too quickly, and he knew that. But there was a big soft spot in his heart that Jackson left all those years ago open for the taking, and it was his again. 

It was a normal meal, nothing felt different. He was grateful for the beer that was slowly clouding his mind. He couldn't stand being there missing Jackson despite having him a few feet away from him, it was an all too familiar feeling. He was sulking in silence as he always did, when he felt compelled to look up from his drink. 

The conversation inevitably drifted into their memories of the place they were eating at. A lot of the members had stories about it, most remarkable was Yugyeom eating five kimbaps in a row after losing rock paper scissors with Bambam and Youngjae sneaking Coco in and being yelled at for an hour by Auntie. There were little stories, moments that had gone by before they made it, when they were just kids with a dream and a lot of passion. 

Suddenly, Jackson was staring at him. Like really staring. So much so that it was making him nervous. He felt the stupid need to turn around and look for the person Jackson was really looking at, knowing there was nobody there. But him. 

\- I have a story about this place too - He heard Jackson say while never breaking eye contact, as if from another room. - Actually, Mark, remember that one time we almost got kicked out?- Mark was just lost, lost in Jackson's eyes. - Mark! -

\- I, oh... yeah I remember - He said with a frown. It wasn't like they told people the reason, not even back then. Why would he even bring it up...

\- It was so rude of us - Jackson said, standing up - And we never really apologized. No time like the present, huh? - There was a mischievous smile on his face. Mark felt faint.

\- W-what... I mean - Jackson was already grabbing at his arm while the others stared at them, amused looks painted on their faces. It was Jackson after all, and he could get away with anything. 

He stood up slowly while feeling Jackson tug at his sleeve. Slowly the wheels on his head begun to turn and he suppressed a low gasp when he figured out what Jackson was even doing. A rush of excitement hit him in the head like a rock. Somehow he was following Jackson, hand in his and without a word of protest, into a dark corner on the second floor where the tiniest bathroom known to man stood in all its glory. Mark shivered, but he couldn't tell if it was out of arousal or fear. Probably both. 

\- Sorry, I just had to get you alone - Jackson said before turning to face him, not even a hint of remorse in his voice or expression. He wasn't sorry at all. Their hands were still clasped together, and they were starting to get sweaty. 

\- You've apologized a lot today - Mark said, with a smirk. He was drunk on alcohol and high on the possibility of kissing Jackson again, which was all that could occupy his mind right now. Having Jackson all to himself for the first time in all those agonizing, lonely years. Jackson just arched his eyebrows, a smile coming up to his lips. 

\- You can go back if you want - He said, one hand on the bathroom door. Mark knew he should walk away. If not for himself, for the sake of the group. His heart was beating stupidly fast in his chest - Or... - He pushed it open. 

It was a dark, cold space that had never seen the light of day. Mark felt a shiver run down his spine when he realized there was no place in the world he would rather be than crammed up in that shitty little bathroom with Jackson Wang. He let all the ifs and buts slide away from his mind one by one. It was only him, feeling wanted and wanting back, for the first time in a long time, and he was going to enjoy it. 

\- Are you coming? - He asked while tilting his head to the side, drawing a small chuckle from the younger. He knew there was no turning back from this, and when Jackson's hand came close to the hem of his shirt, he welcomed the anticipation that made his heart swell. 

Mark let himself get dragged into the small space far enough for the door to close with a loud thump. So much for trying to keep quiet, he thought, but he couldn't spare the energy to care. There was just the two of them, then. In front of each other, alone, after years and years and days and days. The room suddenly felt all too quiet, the silence between them charged with electricity. 

\- I'm nervous - Jackson admitted, probably blushing. There was little Mark could see in the dark except for the hungry glow in Jackson's eyes, two twin stars in the sky of his face. He didn't sound embarrassed about his confession, more like surprised. It had almost come out like a question, like he hadn't been sure he was able to feel that emotion until it was right there on his chest, making him uneasy. 

\- That's a first - he laughed. At least he could add to his list of achievements that he could still make Jackson Wang blush. The thought suddenly made him feel overcome with so many emotions at once, but mostly with pure devotion for the boy in front of him, just a few inches away, in the dark. His hands came up to cup Jackson's face, closing his eyes as he pulled him closer - It's just me - he breathed. His thumbs drew circles in Jackson's temples until he could feel them heat up behind his touch. 

Gradually, Mark's chest begun to hurt. It was like every ounce of space between them made him feel sick and desperate. There was a hunger growing in the pit of his stomach, that only Jackson could quiet down. 

\- Hey, you - Jackson breathed, sounding just as affected as he was. He ran his hands up and down Mark's arms a few times, making the older shiver. They stayed in his shoulders, gripping ever so slightly, almost as if to let Mark know how desperate he was too, how much he wanted it too, how much he wanted him. And that's when Mark couldn't take it anymore, too impatient to keep prolonging the inevitable. 

\- I missed you - he said quickly, before clashing their mouths together with an almost violent tug of Jackson's head to his, a faint moan sounding animalistic and wild leaving the back of his throat.

His lips were met with the same urgent need that he felt boiling up in his veins. After a few seconds their mouths opened immediately, tongues coming up to meet each other like no time had passed at all. And it felt delicious. Jackson tasted differently, kissed differently, but it was just as intoxicating and maddening as it was before. Mark would've smiled, laughed with joy even, if it didn't mean breaking the movement of their lips and the sway of their heads. It was as if Mark wanted nothing more than to go deeper, to take more, to give more, to amplify every feeling and sensation he was experiencing just by kissing Jackson like he was a starving man.

Mark jumped a little when he felt the cold wall behind him, he hadn't realized they were even moving at all. But he could feel Jackson's body in motion now, pressing against every inch of his, and the weight felt exquisite. His hands moved to rest at the back of Jackson's neck, and Jackson's hands were gripping at his hips. 

He was the first one to pull up for air, only after giving a soft peck to Jackson's now swollen lips that shone bright. He was so beautiful, now that his eyes had adjusted to the low lighting he could see Jackson's expression and he shivered a little. The younger was looking at him like it was the very first time they did this, like he was a lucky predator who just caught a very mouthwatering prey.

He didn't know what was keeping him pinned to the spot where he was standing, either Jackson's stare or his hands. Probably both, Mark thought, but he felt compelled to stand still. He could feel the rapid pace of his heart pumping blood through his veins, the adrenaline of what he was doing and who he was doing it with was making his body go into overdrive. 

\- I missed you too - Jackson said, softly. He was a little out of breath but his voice was steady - Every fucking day - A hand left his hip and a thumb came to brush his bottom lip. Mark opened his mouth and sucked the finger into his mouth, tracing circles on it with his tongue. He heard Jackson's low moan and felt his insides burning up. There was nothing more beautiful than the sound Jackson had just made, and he wanted to hear it again, louder. Forever. 

Jackson replaced his finger with his mouth, giving butterfly kisses to Mark's lips while his hands disappeared underneath the older's shirt. Mark was the one who made a noise then, the feeling of Jackson's touch on his skin intoxicating him with pleasure. Jackson's hands traced down to his ass, lifting him. He wrapped his legs around Jackson's waist and rolled his hips when he was met with the same hardness he was feeling. It was a lot, but it was everything Mark wanted, and he wanted it now. 

\- I love you - Jackson said against his mouth, half moaning. They were so close, every inch of their bodies touching, Jackson holding him up, his own hands at the back of Jackson's neck bringing him even closer, nothing ever being too much. 

\- I love you so much - He breathed, hands coming down to tug Jackson's shirt, lifting it up slowly and swallowing hard at the anticipation. He felt Jackson smile, moving away from his mouth and tracing kisses on his jaw. He tilted his head back to give Jackson access to his neck, lifting his shirt a little more, feeling the skin underneath shudder. He couldn't control the noise he made when he felt Jackson's tongue darting out and licking his skin which was already on fire. Mark then felt the delicious sting of Jackson's teeth putting pressure on the tender skin of his clavicle, making his mouth open in a silent cry, when a sudden rush of wind flew in making them both jump. 

The door was wide open, and Jinyoung was staring at them with a puzzled look on his face, eyebrows raised into a silent question. Mark was too annoyed at getting interrupted to even start thinking about the appropriate thing to say or explanation to give, but before he could come up with anything Jackson was already shouting.

\- Don't you fucking knock? - The corners of Mark's mouth twisted up into a grin. 

\- I ... - Jinyoung started - The others are leaving - he said, voice slowly coming back to normal. 

\- Yeah, so? - Jackson said, re-adjusting his grip on Mark and lifting him a little so he was better positioned in between his legs. 

\- They asked for you - Jinyoung said, getting a bit annoyed. - For you both - He was squinting now, like he was just realizing what they were actually doing.

\- Tell them we died - Mark couldn't contain the high-pitched laugh that left his mouth that made him throw back his head. He could feel the younger laughing too when he said - And close the door, mom - Jinyoung left with a loud huff and a bang on the door. Mark and Jackson were left laughing in each other's shoulders, hands stroking everything they could touch. 

\- I told you the door doesn't have a lock - Mark said, head coming up to face him, eyes shining as he stared at the boy in front of him. 

\- Worth it - Jackson said, smiling a devilish grin before pulling him back again into the kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you've come this far, thank you! i hope you enjoyed and not cried too much.  
and thank you to my beautiful beta readers, adele and zoie, and to my wonderful editor bigblue_2021.  
literally this wouldn't exist without yall. 
> 
> i love you
> 
> ps. im sorry if i hurt your feelings. in my defense, i hurt mine first.


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